This blog is basically just a way that I can completely and anonymously talk about what's going on in my life. All names are changed so that nobody can find out my identity.
The thing that's almost always on my mind is my friend Jack.
We technically don't know each other (we met online) but we've been talking for over a year now and I really like him. He's 24 (will be 25 in April) and I am almost 17. I really don't feel like age is that much of an issue. The only real issues I ever worry about are our distance (I live in the USA, he lives on a different continent) and the fact that he has had sex, and I haven't even ever had a boyfriend. I'm just so worried that if we ever do start a relationship, he won't be faithful to me because of our distance.
I know he cares about me, but I really wish I knew how he felt exactly. Most girls annoy him a lot, and I don't, which is a big plus for me, but there's also Mel. Mel and him are best friends, but they love each other. Or at least they did, I'm not really sure how he feels about her anymore. They live in different countries (though they have both lived in the same ones for periods of time) and they have had sex. In fact they still do when they are together (though I'm not sure how often or anything like that as I don't want to ask.) Just thinking about it right now is making me depressed so let me get onto a new topic.
Jack is engaged. I know that sounds bad but it's an arranged marriage and the girl is getting married to someone else in the spring. I don't really find this a big deal at all because as far as I know although he cares for her, he isn't in love with her or anything, but the fact that he's blatantly told me "We would have made a good couple too" hurts. It's stupid, I know, because of course anyone has multiple people they could be good with, but I still wish I was the only one.
And we aren't even together.
We've talked about marriage (not seriously, but more as a very distant possibility.) We've talked about sex (how I'm only ready to do somethings, but not everything.) I can talk to him about anything, he really is one of my best friends.
This summer I might possibly meet him because I'm most likely going to be an exchange student for 6 weeks in the country he lives. But then there's the worry that he won't be who he says he is. I don't understand how I can feel so strongly for him, but still be scared he's lying to me. And I can't talk to him about this because after bringing it up in the past (closer to when we first met) he didn't understand and seemed to get offended. So how would he react to me bringing it up now? Not well. But I can understand where he was coming from, I mean I don't understand myself how I can feel for someone when I don't even trust they're who they say they are for real. Usually these suspicions aren't there, but
I trust him because everything "creeperish" such as talking about sex and other things, was instigated by me. He never asked to meet me, I asked to meet him. And why would someone who is trying to get me for only sex or something worse tell me about him still being in love with someone else and all those other things.
He calls himself an asshole, maybe he really is. But he's so sweet to me. He knows what upsets me and tries not to talk about it. I really do feel happiest when I'm talking to him. And I know he enjoys talking to me as well. I just wish I could blatantly tell him everything I feel.
I know he would marry someone even if he didn't love them. I wish I could just tell him that I wouldn't want to marry him if he didn't love me, but it's almost like I'd rather marry him and pretend then not get the chance just because he doesn't. I sound pathetic.
People say I'm strong, I think this obviously shows that I am not strong.
I'm worrying about all these things, and we aren't even a couple yet. And I say yet in hopes, it might never even happen.
Is this love? Is this confusion, happiness, sadness, jealousy all love? It's something I've been wondering fora long, long time now.
I'm so worried about meeting him. And I'm not really sure how it would happen. Originally it was supposed to be where I live so I wouldn't have to be alone. Now I might have to be. I'm scared about something that in all actuality doesn't have the highest chances of even happening at this very moment.
I know I'm in his heart, I just hope that it's getting to the point where I'm the only one in his heart. Even though I may have small crushes from time to time, my heart and mind are both set on him. And as long as there's that chance, they will be set on him.
And I don't want to get over him. I want to feel this liking for someone (I say liking because I don't know if it's love or not) forever. But firsts rarely last, and how would I know for sure if it's love? How would it ever even work out in the end.
I guess for right now I should just focus on what's happening now and focus on making us closer instead of thinking of our future.
Yeah, giving myself good advice. Sadly, I probably won't take it.
I'm really not as strong as everyone seems to think...
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